he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
