i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
