I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
