I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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