WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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