I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize