Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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