You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
