That's when you crack a 10am beer
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
