Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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