i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Hippo gnu deer
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
