is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
