Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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