I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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