please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
