Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
