Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So vagazzling was a success
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
