Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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