she was so not down for the gang bang
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
