i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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