That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
