Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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