Buhtt sex?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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