I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Terrible idea I love it
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"