wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
