Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.