i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Fuck now we have to have sex
In a bet, need to win
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...