The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
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she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
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I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow