Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?