The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
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you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
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The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?