I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
