I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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