it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize
