Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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