She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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