They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
