Taylor Swift is so right about you.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
