Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
we're so committed to being not committed
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
