on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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