NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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