apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
