If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
