Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
