it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
