Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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