Pappa wants mamma naked
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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