i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
