she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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