I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
