He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
