it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
