I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
