I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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