Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
