I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
