Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
This house was built for laser tag.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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