oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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