I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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