SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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