I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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