if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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