i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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