I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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