I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I had to cum in my sink.
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