Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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