When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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